someone threw a dead crab at me
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
