I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She's the barista slut.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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