Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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