Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I think my moral compass just broke
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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