i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
the evidence from last night is not good...
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.