the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.