I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
