For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
