I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
