I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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