chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
