I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
