trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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