I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
