No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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