I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Randomize
