RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
