Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
