i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
