he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
