Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
