i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
