is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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