actually, I'm a sock model
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
