I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
