just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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