I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
