i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
