Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
