I can text with my tongue
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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