if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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