like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
