you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
