He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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