I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
