It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
