I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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