Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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