Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
