i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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