So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
