u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster