my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.