Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.