Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
