he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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