pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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