Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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