forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
