I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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