I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
