I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
