Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
