I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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